Thanksgiving is traditionally a time for joyous celebrations and coming together of family and friends. This year we’re right in the middle of the three-week pandemic pause—and with safe-health distancing, it’s going to look very different. Because the safest way to celebrate Thanksgiving 2020 is to celebrate at home with the people you live with.

As a result, our stress levels will probably be higher than usual. And that’s okay. Below are some tips and tools to help you and your family navigate “a new normal” during during the holidays. (Compiled by Starfish Trauma Informed Care Specialist Alice Santa, MSCP, TLLP. Materials adapted from The National Child Traumatic Stress Network and Connecticut Children’s.)

Parents & Caregivers: Taking care of YOU will increase your patience with your children & ease their distress.

• Allow yourself to feel sad, worried, or angry.
• Do something to take care of yourself.
  • Listen to your favorite song.
  • Take some deep breaths.
  • Go on a walk.
  • Get enough rest.
  • Eat well.
• Try to adjust your expectations.
• Focus on what you are grateful for during the holiday season.
• Children look up to you and model your behaviors and energy. If you reflect positive, festive, and calm behaviors, your children will pick up on those cues and do the same.

Children (0-12 years old): Moments of connection allow children to feel loved and seen.

• Examples of connection moments:
  • Playing together
  • Eating together
  • Talking about their day
  • Singing holiday songs together
  • Hugging and holding your child
• Validate children’s emotions!
  • Let them know it’s normal and OK to feel angry, frustrated, or sad about the changes to their holiday traditions.
• For younger children, keep things simple in terms of explanations and celebrations.
• Get creative about how to express thanks for what’s near and dear right now.
  • Instead of in-person visits, try writing letters or making cards.
• Ask them for their ideas about how to make the holiday special.

Teenagers and Young Adults: Listen! When teens talk, they often want to feel heard, not to have you solve the problem.

• Ask them how they are feeling. Validate their feelings and let them know you are there if they need to talk.
• Allow them a sense of control by giving them choices, such as allowing them to plan a special activity or, maybe, help out with cooking if it’s something they enjoy.
• Engage in self-care activities with them.
  • Disconnect from electronics for a little each day
  • Practice relaxation activities together:
    • Slow breathing
    • Stretching
    • Yoga
    • Meditation

As COVID-19 restrictions slowly begin to ease up, many of us are venturing into public spaces. Those public spaces, however, look far from normal. As grownups, we know we’re required to wear face coverings for safety and health reasons. But it’s unsettling—especially when we’re used to small moments of connection we make through a friendly smile. If it’s strange for us, what does a child think? And how do we answer their questions? Below find tips from Rebecca Parlakian, senior director of programs at Zero to Three. See original article.

For toddlers, it’s important to answer only the questions they ask. Avoid sharing “too much” information that might be confusing (e.g., what does contagious mean). Some common questions might be:

• Is the mask a costume? (No, sometimes people wear masks when they are sick or to help keep them safe so they won’t get sick.)
• Can the person still talk? (Yes. The mask covers their mouth, but they can still talk. Just like if I put my hand over my mouth, I can still talk.)
• Are they scary or a “bad” person? (No. The mask covers up part of their face, but that doesn’t mean they are scary or bad. They are wearing a mask because they are sick or to keep other people from getting sick. That’s all.)
• Will I get sick? (Everybody gets sick sometimes. If you get sick, Mama/Daddy will take care of you until you are all better. The doctors will help you, too.)

Our children are struggling right now. But how that struggle looks is different at different ages. Toddlers to Teens: How to Help Kids Cope with Stress from COVID-19 from Healthline provides some common responses children and teens are having to COVID-19, as well as some helpful parenting tools. 

• Younger children may be regressing and are in need of age-appropriate explanations about what’s going on.
• Depression among teenagers may be on the rise as a result of physical distancing and missing events.
• Online counselors and therapists are providing telehealth appointments in a format that’s far more comfortable to the younger generation than parents may realize.

If you and your child would like some additional support coping, please reach out to our behavioral health team at 888-355-5433.

Coping strategies: for kids of every age

When we feel overwhelmed by our emotions it can be easy to start to think unhelpful thoughts and use unhelpful behaviors. Add in the additional stress, worry, depression, or grief that are common responses to COVID-19 and you may be wondering how you and your family can manage the big feelings.

Learning and practicing coping strategies when you and your child are feeling calm is one of the best ways to support your child in managing big feelings later. Practicing the strategy when calm allows the brain to build muscle memory so the strategy can be used when feeling overwhelmed by emotion. Try using some of the strategies below with your child to help them cope with their big feelings.

4-7 Years Old

• Deep breathing: Check out Elmo’s video on belly breathing or star breathing for some fun ways to help young children practice deep breathing.
• Mindfulness: Create a glitter jar and learn how to use it with this video from Esme and Roy.
• Muscle Relaxation: Have your child tighten up their body like a robot for a few seconds and then relax their body like a rag doll. You can also use uncooked and cooked spaghetti or Buzz Lightyear and Woody.

7-10 Years Old

• Deep breathing:  Try square breathing or lazy 8 breathing. Blowing bubbles, feathers or cotton balls in slow, controlled ways helps to support deep breathing.
• Mindfulness:  Body scans can help children to get in touch with the signs their body is giving them. Drawing and coloring helps to express emotions. Simple yoga poses, stretching, or taking some time to move their bodies helps to decrease or increase emotional energy.
• Progressive Muscle Relaxation:  Children at this age can start to do progressive muscle relaxation, which has them practice tensing and releasing different areas of their body.  Pushing against a wall and then relaxing can also help to get rid of tension in their bodies.

10-17 Years Old

• Relaxation Skills:  Using imagery, deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation can be helpful for older children and teenagers.  Yoga poses can be used to help calm a stressed or anxious mind or to boost energy when feeling fatigued or depressed.
• Mindfulness Skills:  Mindfulness for teens can include meditations, grounding exercises, and body scans. There are lots of apps and websites available that provide guided meditations and body scans.  Check out Mindfulness for Teens, Stop, Breathe & Think or Calm.

Raising or taking care of children can be stressful. As parents or caregivers, we can feel stressed when we’re worried about paying the rent or worried about a sick family member or when our child is having a tantrum. We may try to protect our child from the stress we’re feeling, but children are very sensitive to our emotional states. If we are feeling stressed, most likely our child is also feeling that stress.

They might not know why you are stressed or why they feel stressed, but they feel the stress. This doesn’t mean you need to share every detail with your child about what is stressing you out, but it does give you a chance to tell them you are feeling stressed and to show them what you do to feel better and calmer.  

Manage your stress first

The best way to help your child manage their stress or other big feelings is for you to manage your stress or big feelings first. Have you ever been on a plane or watched a movie where the flight attendants remind caregivers to put their oxygen mask on first, before helping to put their child’s oxygen mask on?  If a caregiver doesn’t put their mask on first, they could pass out before they can help their child. It’s the same thing when caregivers want to help manage a child’s stress; the caregiver must take care of their needs first and then care for the child. 

Wellness strategies can help caregivers to manage their own stress and big feelings preventatively and in the moment. Stress can affect all the parts of your life, such as personal, physical, and emotional, so it’s important to fill yourself up in all the parts of your life. 

That can feel overwhelming at times, so choose a few strategies and try them out.  See if they work and if they don’t, give yourself permission to try something else.  If it feels impossible or like a chore, then it isn’t wellness!

Self-care strategies: find what works for you

Try some wellness strategies to see what works for you and your family, and remember to put your oxygen mask on first! 

• The Self-care wheel (English or Spanish) developed by Olga Phoenix is filled with great preventative wellness strategies to help fill you up so you can feel more in control and able to manage your stress or big feelings. 
  • When you are feeling stressed or having big feelings in the moment, take a few seconds or minutes to practice some in the moment wellness strategies and then help your child.

• Try deep breathing, repeating a positive mantra, or a grounding exercise to help lower your heart rate and stress level.